Predators review

I’ll start this review by not explaining how awesome Predator is, how it’s one of my favorite childhood movies and that Arnold is an institution – “Get to the chopper”, etc. You all know the deal. So I’ll just jump straight to the point. Is it worth it?

Like most of you I was burnt by both AVP movies and hoped history won’t repeat itself. And there was certainly a chance. I didn’t really like the trailers and featurettes and Rodriguez’s ramblings (and I generally like Rodriguez) sounded to me unsubstantiated and just too fan-like – just like AVP-R. I too always wished I’d see Aliens on Earth, but things just don’t happen like that. It just doesn’t seem right.

And the biggest fear of disappointment came after a colleague had a chance to see the movie at a closed screening and surprised me with the following: “I ain’t saying nothing. You’ll see.” Now, I knew we had a problem, the moment he didn’t say “Dude, are you kiddin’ me, it’s awesome!” After some drilling I managed to get a few more words but “It’s bad and I mean worse then the two AVPs” really wasn’t what I was hoping for.

Never mind, I thought. I’ve heard stuff like this before and still liked the movie in question. Also I consider myself a movie whore and I really don’t give a damn how stupid a movie is – as long as there are Predators, alien dogs and action, I’m as happy as can be. So the morning of the screening, dressed in my geekiest “Old Painless” T-shirt, I went to the theater with a spring in my step, fairly lowered expectations and a secret hope in my heart for at least a little bit of interplanetary kick-ass.

I’ll be honest with you. It was only my lowered expectations that spared the movie from the title of “My worst summer disappointment”. First of all, the script is a complete dud – the kind that makes you want to grab all those morons complaining that Avatar’s script is stupid and knock some sense into their thick sculls. It’s worse even than the original Predator, a script that includes the brilliant aforementioned “Get to the choppa”, “I ain’t got time to bleed” and the always popular “Stick around”. The big difference is that one of these two scripts has a heart and a soul, while the other is a weak stab at it. The same goes for the colorful characters that have become shallow stick figures, that can’t even die properly. No life, no color, no nothing.

The unforgivable thing is, there is no action either. The alien dogs scene comes close but in the end proves a weakling as well. Same goes for the mano-a-mano (and I use the term loosely) fights with the Predators. Too easy to kill even after all the speeches about evolution, new weapons every year, fight tactics and all the rest. If now, after years of fight evolution they are so lame and fall for cheap tricks, well I guess some time ago I myself could’ve send them running through the woods, just by loudly banging a tin cup with a stick.

And I don’t know about you, guys, but I’m slightly annoyed by the notion (seen in a couple of movies now) that just because the Predators are an intelligent species with a sense of honor, we can not only bargain with them, but also ask for favors. It seems to me, that’s like going boar hunting just to have a swine with some character and the will to live asking you to drop him off in the next forest. That’s a whole lot of honor. And while we’re on the subject of forests, the jungle is a complete disappointment as well. It looks like a forest in a local suburban park. Actually now that I think about it, I’ve seen meaner bush there.

Well if there’s no real action, what the hell is there, I hear you ask. There are heart wrenching… shall I say philosophical musings, presented in a not so subtle manner in the dialogue and through totally unexpected (yeah, right!) plot twists. Musings about how bad we humans are. What monsters, always fighting, not caring about each other, leaving our brothers behind. Why, we are the unscrupulous predators, not the Predators that have morals and honor, in case you forgot. Simple, common and an all too obvious cliché.

So is there anything I liked? I liked the anti-Arnold character, because let’s face it, who can live up to him? There is a lot of potential in a quality battle between a Predator and a tough military bastard like Adrien Brody. I could almost see it happening in the final confrontation. Too bad for the missed opportunity – Brody is a really great choice. Close but no cigar. The cigar goes to Laurence Fishburn. For me, he was the big surprise, especially after the trailers where he seemed really useless. Of course it’s still a character we’ve seen before but at least he’s interesting and constantly edging towards parody. A breath of fresh air amongst the rest of the stale characters.

Тhe new Predators are pretty cool as well. It’s hard to make them uglier than the already familiar creatures, but you can see the effort. And the masks, especially the totally badass Mr. Black’s, are very nice indeed.

And last, but not least, the music. I’m pleased with John Debney and I was psyched to hear a lot of the original Silvestri score. With the very first couple of notes I was transported to that familiar universe. It’s too bad I can’t say the same for the rest of the movie.

And finally, I’m not happy with trashing a movie that is still a part of the universe I love so much. I hope after I see the Blu-ray a couple of hundred times I’ll start to like it better, the way AVP and AVP-R have grown on me.

If you are a Predator fan and reading this you’re thinking “What the hell does he know” and you’re still convinced you’ll like Predators, I sincerely hope you’re right. And if you’ve already seen it and liked it, I sincerely envy you.